Buy book: Try To See It My Way by B. Janet Hibbs, Ph.D. with Karen J. Getzen, Ph.D.

"It's not often that a truly original book on improving marriage comes along. This is one. Reading this book will help you see your relationship in a deeper, more balanced way, and show you practical new ways to make it fairer and more satisfying to both of you."

William J. Doherty, Ph.D, Professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota and author of Take Back Your Marriage

"As I read this superb book about relationship, empathy and justice, I found myself thinking about many couples I have treated over the years. Each chapter contains compelling case histories, exercises, and very clearly and thoughtfully defined ideas that are powerful and achievable. This is a book that I will recommend to many patients."

Don-David Lusterman, Ph.D., ABPP, 2008 Recipient of the American Family Therapy Academy Lifetime Achievement Award

"For couples who love one another but keep hitting the wall of conflict and misunderstanding, Try to See it My Way is an invaluable resource to teach them the language of fairness and trustworthy behavior in order to get on the right relational track."

Terry Hargrave, Ph.D., Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Theological Seminary and author of Families and Forgiveness

"If you've ever felt unfairly treated by your partner, this book is a must read... Full of compelling ideas, clinically informed practical advice, and deep insight into how we understand and solve the ancient relationship problem of "what's fair?"

Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. author of After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You?

"Holiday Blues Webinar"
Sponsored by the Melanoma International Foundation
December, 2011
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Intergenerational Family Processes
Council for Relationships
March 17, 2010 | Philadelphia, PA
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Try to SeeIt My Way: Beyond Communication to Fairness
The Smithsonian Associate Lecture Series
May 20, 2010 | Washington, DC
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Try to See It My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage
Kennedy Health Systems Public Lecture
May 21, 2010 | Camden, NJ
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Fairness in the Parent-Child Relationship
Family & Play Therapy Center
June 25, 2010 | Philadelphia, PA
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Financial Infidelity
B. Hibbs guest of Radio Times
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Beyond Right and Wrong To Fairness
Psychotherapy Networker
Sept/October issue
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B. Hibbs, All Rights Reserved
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Take a quiz to find out how fair your relationship is...and how fair you are.

The following questionnaire can expand your awareness about fair give and take. There are no right or wrong answers. Don't spend a lot of time thinking about your answers. The purpose of this questionnaire is to help you identify fairness patterns.

Fairness with Your Partner

I rarely express my anger at my partner directly.
When I disagree with my partner, I keep it to myself.
I want my spouse to just know what I need.
I often feel angry that my partner doesn't give me what I need.
I feel like the victim in my relationship.
I feel caught between my children and my partner.
If I'm honest, I'd say I blame my partner for too much.
I take on more than my spouse does.
I accept blame, even when it's not my fault.
My partner never wants to talk about problems.
My partner's needs are reasonable.
I can't count on my spouse to tell me what they want.
I lead with "what was wrong" instead of saying what would be better.
My spouse doesn't seem to care about how I really am.
I "simmer in silence" in my relationship.
I don't think it's "worth it" to discuss problems, because nothing will change.
What I do is taken for granted.
After a run-in, we seldom seem to work it out.

Usually True

Usually False

Scoring

is simple. If you answered, "usually true" to five or more of the questions, this indicates that you are shortchanging yourself (and possibly your partner) in resolving fairness issues. Chapter Two of Try to See It My Way contains other questionnaires concerning fairness with parents, fairness with children, and general feelings about fairness. Temporary imbalances in give-and-take can reflect healthy nurturing. But ongoing imbalances in reciprocity can sabotage love. It's important to learn the underlying causes of unfairness in order to build a healthier relationship. There are two basic mistakes people can make: they can give too much or take too much. Turn to Chapter Three of the book Try To See It My Way to learn more.

If you feel that your relationship is in trouble, or you've tried everything, and you're still getting nowhere, go to www.drbhibbs.com, Or www.marriagefriendlytherapists.org Or www.aamft.org for a well trained couples therapist near you.